That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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