Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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