the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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