i always forget guys have bellybuttons
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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