Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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