words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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