I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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