addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
