So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
