I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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