i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
