hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
