I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
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I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
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I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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