I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
