dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
only you would photoshop your dick
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
