We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
