How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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