Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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