hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
