Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
