just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Randomize
