he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
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