(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
