Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
