Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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