Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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