Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Only a mothe r could love this liver
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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