yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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