I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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