my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
