dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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