he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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