Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
