I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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