paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
