I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
