literally had 100 drinks last night.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
