woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
