there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
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Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
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Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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