I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Is that strawberry winking at me??
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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