who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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