my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
