His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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