We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
the liver wants what the liver wants
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
