Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
