I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
