Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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