Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
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