I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
