So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
She needs sedatives and a leash
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
