i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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