Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
