if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
