i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
