she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
