i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
