I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Randomize
