I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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