You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
