made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
